BULLY PROOF YOUR CHILD
The most important first step a parent can take is to identify bully and victim behaviors in their children. Once identified, a parent can employ strategies to support the child. Keep in mind that in dealing with children, there is no such thing as 'teasing for fun.' Parents can use less dangerous ways to have playful interaction with their children. Everyone likes compliments. Find something good to say to your child and avoid negative comments. Rather than set an example of a teaser for your child or tear down the child's self-concept, try to bolster it. Remember, teasing is similar to name-calling. Most parents don't want to call their children names, so it stands to reason that they should not approve teasing.
Below are checklists of bully and victim behaviors for parents to look for in their children. Keep in mind that all children may exhibit some of these behaviors from time to time. It is when many of these behaviors become regular patterns that parents need to intervene to break the pattern or call the counselor.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A BULLY:
Generally speaking bullies are usually not very good at making friends, caring or being kind to others, sharing or getting along with others. Ask yourself these questions about your child.
Does your child:
HOW TO DISCOURAGE BULLY BEHAVIOR
If your child displays teasing or bullying behaviors, this problem needs to be dealt with by taking away privileges, rather than "giving the child a dose of his/her own medicine." In other words, don't punish children by teasing them. Instead, take away TV, bike-riding, or playing with a particular child for a day. Punishment for teasing should be brief to demonstrate that teasing is not acceptable. As a general rule, it should be kept to one day at a time.
How Can You Change a Bullies Behavior?
Understanding child development is key to changing a "potential bullies" behavior. Aggressiveness or hostility is a normal reaction in young children when they feel a need to protect themselves or their property. It is the unprovoked aggression, when your child attempts to dominate peers by physical assault [hitting, biting, pushing etc.] or verbal attacks [name calling, teasing, harassment, threats etc.] that parents need to be concerned about. A two year old will settle a conflict or dispute by hitting another with an object while a four year old is more likely to argue with others much of the time to assert themselves. Between the ages of three and seven most children make gains in terms of controlling their aggressive tendencies. This is the important time to teach children how to control these impulses and teach them to be empathetic human beings.
The most important thing a parent can do is to set a good example. Some children who end up being bullies have parents who are quite aggressive. Consequently, they never learn social skills appropriate.
Allow your child to express their feelings and treat their feelings with respect. Anger is OK as long as you don't hurt others, yourself or property. The key is to talk about it.
Teach your child how to peacefully settle problems with words that don't attack but simply identify the problem and look for solutions. They need to understand that conflicts are OK- part of life but violence is not. Conflict resolution is a learned skill.
Read stories to your child that demonstrate empathy and respect for others and take a negative approach to bullying behavior. A good example are the classics Cinderella and Dumbo. This is one way to learn to understand others points of view and feelings.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A VICTIM
As with bullies, there is a classic profile for children who become victims unless they are taught those social skills appropriate to handling aggressive peers.
There are generally two categories of victims- those who invite attack by their actions and those who do not. Those who invite attack will irritate their peers to get attention, say or do things purposely that set them in the "weird" zone. Sometimes they are mislabeled as bullies and will perpetuate the conflict. On the other hand, the passive victim often is lacking in social skills, has difficulty making friends and often alone and isolated during the school day. Often he/she is the last to be picked for games, activities, or teams. They are usually very quiet and sensitive - and seen as someone who won't or can't defend themselves. They may use money or property for protection and may have a physical or mental disability.
Is your child a victim of a bully?
More often than not victims don't tell anyone including their parents that they are being bullied because they are afraid, embarrassed or think they should be able to handle it themselves. This is why parents must be on the lookout for signs that their child is being bullied. Signs that may indicate that there is bullying or teasing going on include, when your child:
HOW TO DISCOURAGE VICTIM BEHAVIOR
If your child is being teased, the most important thing you can do is "be" there to support and listen to them. Let your child confide in you so he/ she doesn't feel so alone. Resist the temptation to take action. The first step is to get your child to talk about it. They are scared and often too embarrassed to admit that they are even being bullied. Listen and let him/her know that you understand and care so that they can trust you and look to you for help.
Explain to your child about bullies. Let them know that its not their fault - that they did nothing wrong. Tell them, "You didn't ask to be bullied. It is the bullies fault." Let your child know that they are probably not the only one being bullied. The trouble is that most victims keep it a secret because they are scared and embarrassed.
Children need to know that bullies enjoy being mean and hurting others who they see as smaller or weaker. The bully tries to control others so he/she feels stronger and powerful.
The key is to let your child know that he/she has a CHOICE as to whether or not to become a victim - whether or not to let the bully "push your button" or control you. A child can choose not to be a victim by refusing to give the reaction that most bullies or teasers are looking for including tears, fear and or anger. Instead, show the teaser that his comments don't bother you [whether they do or not] by: ignoring them, walking away, agreeing with them, or using humor. Most bullies will give up if they can't get the reaction they're looking for from you.
Explain to your child that all these strategies may or may not always work but that they can always go to an adult for help. Teach him/her the assertive strategy. Discuss and practice: